I'm sorry I broke your heart. Could you make me feel better about it?

Just as the Narcissus comes in many varieties, so do Narcissists... I am capitalizing the word because they would insist. Breaking up with a Narcissist is an unbelievable experience - all the logic in the world could be dumped by aircraft on top of the situation and not a shred would stick to that person. It's fascinating because in most cases, the "pleaser" (not capitalized because he/she didn't want to impose) has probably begged N to please get help, stop drinking, go to anger management, therapy, or do ANYTHING that might finally make them happy, and N refused. N refused even after being told that the relationship would end if these things didn't happen - thereby 'passively breaking up' with P (capitalized because I insist).

So heartbroken P, filled with guilt, anger, frustration, more guilt, and a feeling of failure, does the unthinkable, and actually breaks up. "I cannot do this anymore" is usually what is said. And N is stunned. "Huh? you mean I don't get to shit on you anymore and then apologize later? But not really, I mean, kind of apologize even though I wouldn't have been an asshole if you hadn't said what you said... but I mean, you aren't gonna hang around for that?"

No. No, P is not.

The next few months tend to vacillate between these two scenarios:

"P, you are a horrible person. You GAVE UP on us - you gave up on ME. You think you are so superior and you just threw me away. You can't survive without me, you think you are the shit - we'll you're not. You are dirt. And if you really loved me, you would come back. But you don't, and that's because YOU DON'T HAVE A HEART!!!!"

and

"P, I'm so sorry. I've been sober/thinking/doing yoga/going to therapy (fill in the blank) for 2 weeks now. Things are better. Really, I know I was an asshole and I want to make it better. Just come home. You belong here. I will never yell again. I miss you. Don't you love me?"

NO. Actually P doesn't love you anymore - because you systematically KILLED the love. You know why? Because you said mean things. You can't say mean things and expect love to thrive. You kill it a little bit every time. You broke P's heart little by little by little.... and now you want to be seen, forgiven, redeemed. Too late. You're not worth the effort. Because there is no love left anyway.

At least that's what I hope P would think. Unfortunately, P feels bad. "Maybe I should have been more forgiving. Maybe I should have tried harder. Maybe I should have taken more crap. Maybe I should forsake my happiness in the futile attempt to find N's, maybe I should give up my whole damn life trying to make this feel like love...."

Please make it stop. Please don't jump back in.

What I'm trying to say here is this: WHY are people so hurtful? And HOW do they seem to FORGET how hurtful they were? SOME BELLS CAN NOT BE UNRUNG.

And why do the Pleasers of the world allow it? WHERE did they learn this? So called Toxic Parents? Well, then don't say mean things to your kids either. Because you have too much power... you, as the parent, have the power to say mean things and have them stick. Those things stick like oatmeal sticks to their ribs and they grow on it. And then they put up with it later and you get to loan them money through their divorces and wonder why they married such jerks... are you getting it? Be kind.

Be kind. Be gentle with your loved one's souls.

And if you can't get along with anyone. And you think everyone else is the problem... you might need some help. Because I can't imagine breaking all those hearts around you doesn't break yours a little too.

So You Wanna Do a Radio Show...

Almost 6 months ago - and I cannot believe it's been that long - I submitted an application to Good Morning America... myself and 15,000 other people. We all wanted to be the next Advice Guru on the show.  The job description sounded awesome - and it seemed like an incredible opportunity all the way around, whether one wanted to be a writer, an actress, or sell lots of books... totally worth a shot!

Wouldntchaknow?  I made the Top 20.

This was sort of an amazing experience. Immediately we were all writing and answering questions.  We were limited to 500 words, and they meant it.  We had to submit videos (my least favorite part) and we had to do all of it under very serious dead lines.  Fans of the show were really opinionated about us finalists, and I was even interviewed by a woman who was admittedly peeved that she didn't make it.  She did realize that she was in good company of 14,980 others, and she was very funny about the whole thing.
Anyhow, I enjoyed the process immensely.  Of course it was stressful, it was a competition!  But I really loved the work.... even with a paycheck of Zero.

The morning that they were going to announce the Top 10, I woke up knowing that I didn't make it.  I just knew.  I can't explain it, but I had absolutely no anticipation about watching the show... I just knew.  And to be honest, the Top 7 they announced, kinda surprised me... but what do I know?  The one that didn't surprise me was Liz Pryor - I had a feeling about her the first time I saw her, and she did end up getting the job.  I'm happy for her.  I liked her written answers the best and she's a divorced mom from the San Fernando Valley - I can get behind that. :)

What this whole process did was give me exactly what I had been asking for from the Universe/God/Divine Wisdom (whatever you like).... it gave me clarity.... about what I want to do with my life right now.

I really love giving advice.  I really love being a life coach.  And, even thought I don't want to be an MFT, I am really glad I got my degrees in Psychology.  Human behavior is my favorite subject.
Fer sure, fer sure.

I decided to do a radio show, Ask Sophie.  Presumably, people would call, well, me, a sort of Dr. Phil meets Chelsea Handler kind o' gal, and ask for life advice on any topic from money to sex to relationships to diapers.... right?

Well, I've done 8 shows now, and I have had exactly 3 calls... 4 if you include a wrong number... that was priceless.  However, I have had some great guests, answered plenty of questions that were emailed to me, and had a great time yapping on about men and women and sex and marriage with one of my best friends.

I am letting it evolve... figuring out what I like to talk about most...

and because it's not real unless you blog about it... I'll be doing that too.

So give me a call, dammit!

On Achieving Success in Life

Dear Sophie,

I've recently graduated from high school and my entire life is ahead of me. I'm not quite sure what I want to do in life. Can you tell me what you see as the key ingredients to success in life?

No fear, baby! That’s number one.

I love that you’re asking this question at such an important crossroads.  Success in life is often equated with career success, yet it’s so much more than that. It’s also about how much joy we experience along the way and the quality of our relationships too.

When people look back on their lives, they most often regret decisions that were made from a place of fear: fear of disappointing our parents, fear of failure, fear of rejection…fear of making a mistake.   So when you face decisions about major steps in your life, come from a place of faith… faith in yourself, your talents, your dreams, and in the power of following your passion.  When it comes to absolutely believing in the vision of your success, Michael Jordan says, “The worst that can happen is it doesn’t turn out the way you thought it would.”  So it’s up to you to create that vision of success.  How?

Follow your passion.  This is number two.  If you don’t know what your passion is, write a list of all the things you’re good at and all the things you find exciting. Ask people you trust to reflect back to you what they think are your gifts, and what they observe your passions to be.  College is a great place to find out where your passions lie and develop your talents.  Remember, if you’re doing something you don’t love, then every hurdle becomes a reason to quit instead of another useful lesson.  Do what you’re good at, do what you love doing, and you will be successful. You don’t have to know exactly where your passion is going to lead you. You just need to pursue it with excitement, dedication, and follow through. 

Speaking of ‘follow through’…. 

The best way to build and maintain self-esteem is to keep promises to your self.  Read that twice.

When it comes to friendships and love relationships, don’t choose them, or stay in them, based on fear of being alone or a need for approval.  Choose them based on the joy they bring you and the way they show their love.  Fill your life with people whom you respect; who love you for being you and support you in your dreams.  Always ask yourself, “Can I be me with this person?”

You are young, and probably feel immortal, but another key (#3) is taking care of your health.  Go easy on your liver and find some way to move your body every day.  People in their forties who start running, swimming, or doing yoga always say they wish they’d started younger. Exercise is going to keep the ‘happy chemicals’ going in your brain.  So, if you can prioritize taking care of your body while you pursue your dreams and relationships, you’re going to live life at such a high level of daily fulfillment that you will have every reason to leap out of bed in the morning.

I’m very excited for you!