Holiday Stress

From Meredith in Colorado Springs, Colorado:
The holidays are an especially hectic and stressful time of year for me and my husband. I come from divorced parents, which is a balancing act year-round, and my husband lost his mother several years ago, which is always difficult around the holidays. This Christmas, on top of the usual craziness, I am pregnant and will have my paternal grandparents in town as well! How can we maximize time spent with all of our family without stressing me (and subsequently the baby)?

Dear Meredith,
You do have a challenge. Pleasing everyone would be a bona fide Christmas miracle! So the most important thing to do first is to ask yourself how you would like to see the holidays go and ask your husband how he would like to see them go. Then you can craft a plan from your joint vision and approach the extended family as a united front.
Logistically speaking, one option is to host Christmas Eve or December 23rd at your place, which gives you more control around scheduling and driving. You can invite your Dad, of course, because his parents are already there. If you keep it very simple, maybe make a yummy stew and ask someone to bring dessert, you can cover your paternal side and even your husband’s family in one evening – in a place where you know you can put those pregnant feet up. Then you can do Christmas Day or Eve at your mom’s. I’m assuming in this scenario she would prefer not to attend if your dad is there. Your mom will be happy to have you on Christmas or Christmas Eve! Hopefully, she will understand, considering your houseguests, that it makes sense to host your dad’s side for an evening. This scenario could keep it to two events, total!
If this is your first baby, it might be a new concept for you as a couple to view holiday time as “our family’s holiday time.” In other words, you are now creating your very own traditions. It’s your chance to create the Christmas’s you both dream of giving your children. Many people set aside Christmas Eve for grandparents and Christmas Day for just their family unit, or they alternate years, sometimes trading out Thanksgiving for Christmas on alternate years. Choose what makes sense for your family. Once you have your baby, it’s going to be even tougher to be in so many places, so establishing this now is a good idea.
Emotionally speaking, I hear your compassion for your husband’s grief around his mother. It's an especially tough year knowing that she won't meet your baby. I think it would be sweet to establish some tradition to honor her; maybe make a special recipe of hers, or get her favorite flowers for the holiday table. Ask your husband what would feel good and whom he would like to take care of it.
You, smart mama, are wise to keep your stress level as low as possible for you and your baby. When making decisions during the holidays and throughout the year, especially when everyone wants to meet the Little Treasure, you will be faced with putting you and your baby's well being above pleasing everyone. If you have that resolve in yourself, you will be able to set those boundaries in a loving way, with gratitude that everyone cares so much and wants to be a part of your life.
I wish you a simple and beautiful holiday season.

(reposted from a previous blog I am deleting)

Self Entitlement

Dear Sophie,
I am a 30 year old who recently moved back home to get out of credit card debt. I have 3 credit cards that total over $40,000 in debt. I decided to move back home with my parents for a few years so that I could pay off these credit cards and buy a house someday.

The car I am driving is old and sucks. I work very hard and have nothing to show for it. Since I moved back home with my parents, my self esteem is at an all time low. Right now they are advertising the Lexus ES at a very affordable lease rate and so I went to the dealership to get one. Because my credit is so bad, they told me I need a cosigner. When I asked my parents to cosign, they totally freaked out. They are upset that instead of lowering my credit card debt I am charing the down payment ($2400). I don't see what the big deal is. My payment was going to be around $400 a month. Now they want to start charging me $400 a month rent! I think they are just jealous that I would be driving a nicer care than they are. I am 30 years old and they need to stop controlling my life! what do I do?!!!


My Free Advice:
Well, congratulations on knowing that it’s important to get out of debt.
However, you need to take a step back and look at your sense of entitlement around your parents. They are not an ATM…. overhead, and probably food in the fridge, = cash, my friend. But you are also a victim of the phrase “low monthly payment”… a ‘gateway drug’ of sorts…

Let’s just look at this mathematically…

You can get your current car detailed, and tuned up, and possibly repaired for far less than $7200, which is what you are going to be spending on your RENTED LEXUS in the next 12 months. Yes, $4800 in payments plus your down. This is why your parents are offended. That is almost 20% of your total debt… in one year. Leasing really is for people with a lot of expendable income who are ok with not getting a lot of value. Assuming you got a 4 year lease, but it’s probably 5, you will be spending 26 – 31K on a car, give it back, and then come up with another down payment. There is a reason you need a co-signer. That is a lot of money. Driving a Lexus you can’t afford just keeps you in the mentality of living beyond your means. Respect your money, and by all means, respect your parents’ money. Put yourself on a debt reduction program… you’ll be there in no time if you could afford that lease payment!

As far as your parents are concerned, I recommend apologizing to them and explaining that you got caught up in the allure of the “low monthly payment” and realize that what you were asking was unreasonable and could be construed as ungrateful. Not everyone can move home to their parents at 30. Hopefully, in two years or so, you will qualify to lease or buy a Lexus you can truly afford… and they can be happy for you.
Paying them some rent is important for a couple reasons. One, it keeps you accountable, as an adult who doesn’t want to be told what to do by his parents. Two, it preserves your self respect. It sounds like you have an income, you can pay for a roof over your head. Depending on your exact situation, you might negotiate what you think is fair… $400 sounds like a deal these days. Clean up after yourself, contribute to the groceries, and behave like an adult if you want to be treated as one. This is huge for your self esteem. Sometimes we think our parents owe us something or that it’s ok to get a free ride with them and that is exactly what adds to our shame and lack of self-esteem. Follow through and keeping promises to ourselves… that is how we build it… one promise at a time…. not by driving a car we can’t afford.
If that were the case, everyone in LA would have incredible self-esteem. :)
Best of luck to you.

(reposted from a previous blog I am deleting)

So You Wanna Do a Radio Show...

Almost 6 months ago - and I cannot believe it's been that long - I submitted an application to Good Morning America... myself and 15,000 other people. We all wanted to be the next Advice Guru on the show.  The job description sounded awesome - and it seemed like an incredible opportunity all the way around, whether one wanted to be a writer, an actress, or sell lots of books... totally worth a shot!

Wouldntchaknow?  I made the Top 20.

This was sort of an amazing experience. Immediately we were all writing and answering questions.  We were limited to 500 words, and they meant it.  We had to submit videos (my least favorite part) and we had to do all of it under very serious dead lines.  Fans of the show were really opinionated about us finalists, and I was even interviewed by a woman who was admittedly peeved that she didn't make it.  She did realize that she was in good company of 14,980 others, and she was very funny about the whole thing.
Anyhow, I enjoyed the process immensely.  Of course it was stressful, it was a competition!  But I really loved the work.... even with a paycheck of Zero.

The morning that they were going to announce the Top 10, I woke up knowing that I didn't make it.  I just knew.  I can't explain it, but I had absolutely no anticipation about watching the show... I just knew.  And to be honest, the Top 7 they announced, kinda surprised me... but what do I know?  The one that didn't surprise me was Liz Pryor - I had a feeling about her the first time I saw her, and she did end up getting the job.  I'm happy for her.  I liked her written answers the best and she's a divorced mom from the San Fernando Valley - I can get behind that. :)

What this whole process did was give me exactly what I had been asking for from the Universe/God/Divine Wisdom (whatever you like).... it gave me clarity.... about what I want to do with my life right now.

I really love giving advice.  I really love being a life coach.  And, even thought I don't want to be an MFT, I am really glad I got my degrees in Psychology.  Human behavior is my favorite subject.
Fer sure, fer sure.

I decided to do a radio show, Ask Sophie.  Presumably, people would call, well, me, a sort of Dr. Phil meets Chelsea Handler kind o' gal, and ask for life advice on any topic from money to sex to relationships to diapers.... right?

Well, I've done 8 shows now, and I have had exactly 3 calls... 4 if you include a wrong number... that was priceless.  However, I have had some great guests, answered plenty of questions that were emailed to me, and had a great time yapping on about men and women and sex and marriage with one of my best friends.

I am letting it evolve... figuring out what I like to talk about most...

and because it's not real unless you blog about it... I'll be doing that too.

So give me a call, dammit!

On Achieving Success in Life

Dear Sophie,

I've recently graduated from high school and my entire life is ahead of me. I'm not quite sure what I want to do in life. Can you tell me what you see as the key ingredients to success in life?

No fear, baby! That’s number one.

I love that you’re asking this question at such an important crossroads.  Success in life is often equated with career success, yet it’s so much more than that. It’s also about how much joy we experience along the way and the quality of our relationships too.

When people look back on their lives, they most often regret decisions that were made from a place of fear: fear of disappointing our parents, fear of failure, fear of rejection…fear of making a mistake.   So when you face decisions about major steps in your life, come from a place of faith… faith in yourself, your talents, your dreams, and in the power of following your passion.  When it comes to absolutely believing in the vision of your success, Michael Jordan says, “The worst that can happen is it doesn’t turn out the way you thought it would.”  So it’s up to you to create that vision of success.  How?

Follow your passion.  This is number two.  If you don’t know what your passion is, write a list of all the things you’re good at and all the things you find exciting. Ask people you trust to reflect back to you what they think are your gifts, and what they observe your passions to be.  College is a great place to find out where your passions lie and develop your talents.  Remember, if you’re doing something you don’t love, then every hurdle becomes a reason to quit instead of another useful lesson.  Do what you’re good at, do what you love doing, and you will be successful. You don’t have to know exactly where your passion is going to lead you. You just need to pursue it with excitement, dedication, and follow through. 

Speaking of ‘follow through’…. 

The best way to build and maintain self-esteem is to keep promises to your self.  Read that twice.

When it comes to friendships and love relationships, don’t choose them, or stay in them, based on fear of being alone or a need for approval.  Choose them based on the joy they bring you and the way they show their love.  Fill your life with people whom you respect; who love you for being you and support you in your dreams.  Always ask yourself, “Can I be me with this person?”

You are young, and probably feel immortal, but another key (#3) is taking care of your health.  Go easy on your liver and find some way to move your body every day.  People in their forties who start running, swimming, or doing yoga always say they wish they’d started younger. Exercise is going to keep the ‘happy chemicals’ going in your brain.  So, if you can prioritize taking care of your body while you pursue your dreams and relationships, you’re going to live life at such a high level of daily fulfillment that you will have every reason to leap out of bed in the morning.

I’m very excited for you!