From Meredith in Colorado Springs, Colorado:
The holidays are an especially hectic and stressful time of year for me and my husband. I come from divorced parents, which is a balancing act year-round, and my husband lost his mother several years ago, which is always difficult around the holidays. This Christmas, on top of the usual craziness, I am pregnant and will have my paternal grandparents in town as well! How can we maximize time spent with all of our family without stressing me (and subsequently the baby)?
Dear Meredith,
You do have a challenge. Pleasing everyone would be a bona fide Christmas miracle! So the most important thing to do first is to ask yourself how you would like to see the holidays go and ask your husband how he would like to see them go. Then you can craft a plan from your joint vision and approach the extended family as a united front.
Logistically speaking, one option is to host Christmas Eve or December 23rd at your place, which gives you more control around scheduling and driving. You can invite your Dad, of course, because his parents are already there. If you keep it very simple, maybe make a yummy stew and ask someone to bring dessert, you can cover your paternal side and even your husband’s family in one evening – in a place where you know you can put those pregnant feet up. Then you can do Christmas Day or Eve at your mom’s. I’m assuming in this scenario she would prefer not to attend if your dad is there. Your mom will be happy to have you on Christmas or Christmas Eve! Hopefully, she will understand, considering your houseguests, that it makes sense to host your dad’s side for an evening. This scenario could keep it to two events, total!
If this is your first baby, it might be a new concept for you as a couple to view holiday time as “our family’s holiday time.” In other words, you are now creating your very own traditions. It’s your chance to create the Christmas’s you both dream of giving your children. Many people set aside Christmas Eve for grandparents and Christmas Day for just their family unit, or they alternate years, sometimes trading out Thanksgiving for Christmas on alternate years. Choose what makes sense for your family. Once you have your baby, it’s going to be even tougher to be in so many places, so establishing this now is a good idea.
Emotionally speaking, I hear your compassion for your husband’s grief around his mother. It's an especially tough year knowing that she won't meet your baby. I think it would be sweet to establish some tradition to honor her; maybe make a special recipe of hers, or get her favorite flowers for the holiday table. Ask your husband what would feel good and whom he would like to take care of it.
You, smart mama, are wise to keep your stress level as low as possible for you and your baby. When making decisions during the holidays and throughout the year, especially when everyone wants to meet the Little Treasure, you will be faced with putting you and your baby's well being above pleasing everyone. If you have that resolve in yourself, you will be able to set those boundaries in a loving way, with gratitude that everyone cares so much and wants to be a part of your life.
I wish you a simple and beautiful holiday season.
(reposted from a previous blog I am deleting)
