Holiday Stress

From Meredith in Colorado Springs, Colorado:
The holidays are an especially hectic and stressful time of year for me and my husband. I come from divorced parents, which is a balancing act year-round, and my husband lost his mother several years ago, which is always difficult around the holidays. This Christmas, on top of the usual craziness, I am pregnant and will have my paternal grandparents in town as well! How can we maximize time spent with all of our family without stressing me (and subsequently the baby)?

Dear Meredith,
You do have a challenge. Pleasing everyone would be a bona fide Christmas miracle! So the most important thing to do first is to ask yourself how you would like to see the holidays go and ask your husband how he would like to see them go. Then you can craft a plan from your joint vision and approach the extended family as a united front.
Logistically speaking, one option is to host Christmas Eve or December 23rd at your place, which gives you more control around scheduling and driving. You can invite your Dad, of course, because his parents are already there. If you keep it very simple, maybe make a yummy stew and ask someone to bring dessert, you can cover your paternal side and even your husband’s family in one evening – in a place where you know you can put those pregnant feet up. Then you can do Christmas Day or Eve at your mom’s. I’m assuming in this scenario she would prefer not to attend if your dad is there. Your mom will be happy to have you on Christmas or Christmas Eve! Hopefully, she will understand, considering your houseguests, that it makes sense to host your dad’s side for an evening. This scenario could keep it to two events, total!
If this is your first baby, it might be a new concept for you as a couple to view holiday time as “our family’s holiday time.” In other words, you are now creating your very own traditions. It’s your chance to create the Christmas’s you both dream of giving your children. Many people set aside Christmas Eve for grandparents and Christmas Day for just their family unit, or they alternate years, sometimes trading out Thanksgiving for Christmas on alternate years. Choose what makes sense for your family. Once you have your baby, it’s going to be even tougher to be in so many places, so establishing this now is a good idea.
Emotionally speaking, I hear your compassion for your husband’s grief around his mother. It's an especially tough year knowing that she won't meet your baby. I think it would be sweet to establish some tradition to honor her; maybe make a special recipe of hers, or get her favorite flowers for the holiday table. Ask your husband what would feel good and whom he would like to take care of it.
You, smart mama, are wise to keep your stress level as low as possible for you and your baby. When making decisions during the holidays and throughout the year, especially when everyone wants to meet the Little Treasure, you will be faced with putting you and your baby's well being above pleasing everyone. If you have that resolve in yourself, you will be able to set those boundaries in a loving way, with gratitude that everyone cares so much and wants to be a part of your life.
I wish you a simple and beautiful holiday season.

(reposted from a previous blog I am deleting)

Self Entitlement

Dear Sophie,
I am a 30 year old who recently moved back home to get out of credit card debt. I have 3 credit cards that total over $40,000 in debt. I decided to move back home with my parents for a few years so that I could pay off these credit cards and buy a house someday.

The car I am driving is old and sucks. I work very hard and have nothing to show for it. Since I moved back home with my parents, my self esteem is at an all time low. Right now they are advertising the Lexus ES at a very affordable lease rate and so I went to the dealership to get one. Because my credit is so bad, they told me I need a cosigner. When I asked my parents to cosign, they totally freaked out. They are upset that instead of lowering my credit card debt I am charing the down payment ($2400). I don't see what the big deal is. My payment was going to be around $400 a month. Now they want to start charging me $400 a month rent! I think they are just jealous that I would be driving a nicer care than they are. I am 30 years old and they need to stop controlling my life! what do I do?!!!


My Free Advice:
Well, congratulations on knowing that it’s important to get out of debt.
However, you need to take a step back and look at your sense of entitlement around your parents. They are not an ATM…. overhead, and probably food in the fridge, = cash, my friend. But you are also a victim of the phrase “low monthly payment”… a ‘gateway drug’ of sorts…

Let’s just look at this mathematically…

You can get your current car detailed, and tuned up, and possibly repaired for far less than $7200, which is what you are going to be spending on your RENTED LEXUS in the next 12 months. Yes, $4800 in payments plus your down. This is why your parents are offended. That is almost 20% of your total debt… in one year. Leasing really is for people with a lot of expendable income who are ok with not getting a lot of value. Assuming you got a 4 year lease, but it’s probably 5, you will be spending 26 – 31K on a car, give it back, and then come up with another down payment. There is a reason you need a co-signer. That is a lot of money. Driving a Lexus you can’t afford just keeps you in the mentality of living beyond your means. Respect your money, and by all means, respect your parents’ money. Put yourself on a debt reduction program… you’ll be there in no time if you could afford that lease payment!

As far as your parents are concerned, I recommend apologizing to them and explaining that you got caught up in the allure of the “low monthly payment” and realize that what you were asking was unreasonable and could be construed as ungrateful. Not everyone can move home to their parents at 30. Hopefully, in two years or so, you will qualify to lease or buy a Lexus you can truly afford… and they can be happy for you.
Paying them some rent is important for a couple reasons. One, it keeps you accountable, as an adult who doesn’t want to be told what to do by his parents. Two, it preserves your self respect. It sounds like you have an income, you can pay for a roof over your head. Depending on your exact situation, you might negotiate what you think is fair… $400 sounds like a deal these days. Clean up after yourself, contribute to the groceries, and behave like an adult if you want to be treated as one. This is huge for your self esteem. Sometimes we think our parents owe us something or that it’s ok to get a free ride with them and that is exactly what adds to our shame and lack of self-esteem. Follow through and keeping promises to ourselves… that is how we build it… one promise at a time…. not by driving a car we can’t afford.
If that were the case, everyone in LA would have incredible self-esteem. :)
Best of luck to you.

(reposted from a previous blog I am deleting)

How Sweet it Ain't

5 facts you need to know about sugar

Like a dog at the airport, I am sniffing out the sugar from every food product I touch. See, a friend recently posted (on Facebook) a video of an endocrinologist giving a one and a half hour speech on the toxicity of fructose, which he pronounces “fruck-tose”, and I'm starting to think that might be more appropriate, but I will resist losing the “r”.

I have known since 1994 when I read "Sugar Busters,” that sugar is addicting and that it generally amounts to empty calories. I've gone without sugar before, but it’s always a trial. Like a true addict, I have to take a vow, make a plan, and then I'm on the wagon. I fall off the wagon, I get back on, and I fall off again. It's a vicious cycle. The first three days of no sugar, I get a headache, I'm cranky, I'm moody, even sad, and yet, wonderfully, my body literally starts to deflate. Because, what I've learned recently, is that sugar causes inflammation. Sugar also causes more sugar cravings, and now I've learned that sugar causes liver damage, cancer, and heart disease. This is overwhelming information when it’s about as common as, say, water!

Wait just a ding-dang minute, here! Don’t we run on sugar? Glucose is a sugar. Doesn't all of our food ultimately breakdown into glucose for the body to use? I was listening in Biology class! How could it be poisonous? Isn't it natural? Sugar cane is natural. Hell! Fructose is in fruit, and we are supposed to eat that… Right?

Well, yes. All of those things are true, but when we use fructose, we're not using it in its natural state, and we are putting it in EVERYTHING. So basically, I'm pissed off. So much so, that I'm going to give you a summary, cheater cliff's notes if you will, so that you don’t have to sit through a 90 minute lecture. The following takes approximately 6 minutes to read.

I think this is incredibly important information because what this doctor is dealing with on a daily basis is obese children. And he's working against 30 years of nutritional misinformation — that a low fat, high carb diet fights heart disease, that calories in/calories out is an exact formula, and that a calorie is a calorie. It’s just not true. A sugar calorie does a lot more damage than a protein calorie. So, here you go:

1. Which sugar is which?

Sucrose, which is table sugar, is made up of 50% glucose and 50% fructose. We've heard a lot about fructose and high fructose corn syrup in the news. And guess what? Sugar, meaning table sugar, and high fructose corn syrup are equally bad, and here is why:

One half of sucrose, which is glucose, is the energy of life. It is what we run on. Our body knows how to use it. Every cell in our body can handle it. There is very little waste product. It feeds the glycogen stores in our muscles so that we can run/walk/live and our bodies can totally handle it. However, the other half of sugar is fructose. And the fact that fructose is a toxin is what we learn from this lecture. Fructose naturally occurs in fruit, yes, but it always comes surrounded by fiber and loaded with antioxidants, because nature provides the antidote with the poison. If you gnaw on a piece of cane sugar, it's like eating a tree trunk, so there’s a big fat clue.

2.The beginning of the end

In 1982, we were told that we should go low fat, high carbs. Sparing you the details, the study on which this was based was done without a computer, and ultimately concluded with faulty logic. Anyhow, cooking low fat at home is tasty enough, but packaged low-fat food is another story. When you package low fat food, it tastes like crap. So they fill it with carbs and corn syrup (corn syrup is incredibly cheap) and then, so that it has a shelf life, they strip the fiber out of it. So now everything we're eating, pretty much our entire food supply, including almost every loaf of bread, every cereal, every everything that people buy on a daily basis, is high carb-low fat, high sugar-no fiber. I have often said that “the dawn of the fat-free Entennman’s was the beginning of the end of American’s health”– and I kid you not, he makes the same reference in this video.

We see some changes now in packaging because companies are advertising, “hey! there's no high frucktose corn syrup in this!” Okay, that's great. You get a frucking medal for that. Congratulations. But guess what? It’ll include crystalline fructose or cane sugar or evaporated cane juice or something equally “healthy” sounding. It all sounds quite lovely. But it's all the same ugly stuff.

3. What’s the big deal?

Here's the big, bad news. Fructose, like ethanol, which is the alcohol sugar you drink when you're having your tequila or vodka, causes about 12 known diseases. This, along with its tendency to make you an idiot, is why its distribution is governed. Well, fructose behaves the same way in your liver (and even performs a few extra little tricks) and causes eight of the same diseases that ethanol does! It is not metabolized in the brain, so don’t blame it for your embarrassing photos. The only organ that can handle fructose is your liver, which pretty much by definition makes it poison. Your other cells don't know what to do with it.

So basically, without boring you with the math, a coke and a beer are equally toxic to your liver. Top it off, that Coke, by the way, has phosphoric acid in it, which leaches the calcium from your bones and rots your teeth.
Have a Coke and a smile.


4. I’m still hungry!

I have sworn myself off sugar many times in the past because I have always associated it with weight gain. I have noticed that not only do I feel better, but I tend to eat better overall when I'm not eating sugar. For one thing, I am not substituting good food with all those empty calories, and even better, I just seem more satiated and have almost no cravings. Well, guess what? There's a reason for that too…

Sugar interferes with our ability to “hear” Leptin, which is the hormone that lets you know that you're full. Awesome news. This is called Leptin Resistance.
You will notice kids who eat sugar and drink sodas are always hungry. And they always want something sweet!

5. Fat can’t resist me.

Insulin Resistance is big in the news these days. Thanks to Dr. Agatston, who wrote the South Beach Diet, we know that when you raise your insulin, with white carbs and sugar, your body becomes more efficient at storing fat. Dr. Agatston, by the way, is a heart doctor, not a dietician, and he too was concerned that the high carb/low fat diet thing was not working. It turns out your triglyceride (sugar related) levels are more important than cholesterol (fat related) in determining your risk for heart disease. So, this is why the fat get fatter and this is why it's so hard to lose weight when you have incorporated any kind of sugar into your diet. Because you don’t know you’re full, and you get more efficient at storing fat.

The Bitter Truth

So, if it’s a poison, why aren’t we all dying?

Ummmm…. we are:

“Diabetes is one of the leading causes of death and disability in this country. An estimated 16 million Americans have diabetes, a serious condition that often leads to blindness, heart attacks, atherosclerosis, peripheral blood vessel disease, strokes, kidney failure, amputations, and nerve damage. Type 2 diabetes (diet related) accounts for about 90% of cases.

In regard to Heart Disease:

“Guidelines released last year by the American Heart Association recommend that men eat no more than 150 calories of added sugars each day and that women limit themselves to 100 calories. That works out to about 5% of daily intake.
That's far less than the 25% limit suggested in 2005 by the Institute of Medicine. The World Health Organization endorses a limit of 10%, an amount that didn't appear to harm blood lipid levels.”

Basically, you need to look at table sugar the same way that you look at booze.
Giving your kid a Sprite is like handing him a beer without the buzz.

What’s left in my fridge!?

So, what can you eat? Yes, you can eat fruit, two to three servings a day. Not juice, but the whole fruit. And yes, you can eat vegetables. You can also eat lean protein, healthy fats, and healthy carbs. But sugar needs to be dessert, and dessert only...really, really limited. Keep it under 30 grams of sugar (sucrose) a day to really keep levels nontoxic, particularly if you're trying to heal from anything, if you have any chronic diseases, or any immune disorders. That is echoed by the Heart Association’s recommendation above.

What do we do?

Sugar has been put into our entire food supply and as consumers it is our job to change this with our dollars. You vote with your dollars. That's the only thing that works. . Personally, I have to stop buying the ‘energy’ bars, which are fancy candy bars. My kids like them and they have protein… convenience is so rarely healthy. Bummer.

Don’t give Coke and Pepsi your hard earned money. They are poisoning your kids with everything from soda to Gatorade and Vitamin Water. These are two full daily doses of sugar in one bottle. Every time I see those mini-soda cans that are made for school lunches, I just cringe. Juice boxes too (bummer). Get your kids used to water. It will help them have a better life.

There is an option to buy glucose. You can buy glucose to have a sweetener in your house, and it’s not toxic. It still has calories and there are more nutritious calories out there that your body needs.

They even sell fructose as a “healthy” sucrose substitute. Yeah, that's just cancer in a bag, so don't buy that. Remember, fructose in nature is delivered with fiber and anti-oxidants. Eat the WHOLE fruit. Agave Syrup has been touted as having a low-glycemic index, which it does, but it is also 80% fructose and only 20% glucose, and it's highly processed. So, sadly, that's not a great option.

Can I fake it?

On sugar substitutes: Sucralose (Splenda) causes gastrointestinal problems. Aspartame (NutraSweet) causes depression. Saccharin (the pink one), is still the best sugar substitute I think, because those poor rats would have to drink 50 diet sodas a day to get cancer and it tastes so awful, you can hardly use too much of that stuff. Agave is yummy, but a big ol’ disappointment health wise. Stevia is natural and healthy, but a little bitter in my opinion.

Glucose is still dessert, but at least your body knows what to do with it.
Maybe consumers can convince beverage companies to switch, even though it costs more.
http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1892841,00.html
This article from Time Magazine makes this argument.

If you want to see the video, it is called “Sugar: the Bitter Truth” here’s the link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBnniua6-oM

Personally, I am officially cutting sugar out of my diet except for a little dessert or occasional martini mixer, ‘cause a girl’s gotta live a little.

I'm sorry I broke your heart. Could you make me feel better about it?

Just as the Narcissus comes in many varieties, so do Narcissists... I am capitalizing the word because they would insist. Breaking up with a Narcissist is an unbelievable experience - all the logic in the world could be dumped by aircraft on top of the situation and not a shred would stick to that person. It's fascinating because in most cases, the "pleaser" (not capitalized because he/she didn't want to impose) has probably begged N to please get help, stop drinking, go to anger management, therapy, or do ANYTHING that might finally make them happy, and N refused. N refused even after being told that the relationship would end if these things didn't happen - thereby 'passively breaking up' with P (capitalized because I insist).

So heartbroken P, filled with guilt, anger, frustration, more guilt, and a feeling of failure, does the unthinkable, and actually breaks up. "I cannot do this anymore" is usually what is said. And N is stunned. "Huh? you mean I don't get to shit on you anymore and then apologize later? But not really, I mean, kind of apologize even though I wouldn't have been an asshole if you hadn't said what you said... but I mean, you aren't gonna hang around for that?"

No. No, P is not.

The next few months tend to vacillate between these two scenarios:

"P, you are a horrible person. You GAVE UP on us - you gave up on ME. You think you are so superior and you just threw me away. You can't survive without me, you think you are the shit - we'll you're not. You are dirt. And if you really loved me, you would come back. But you don't, and that's because YOU DON'T HAVE A HEART!!!!"

and

"P, I'm so sorry. I've been sober/thinking/doing yoga/going to therapy (fill in the blank) for 2 weeks now. Things are better. Really, I know I was an asshole and I want to make it better. Just come home. You belong here. I will never yell again. I miss you. Don't you love me?"

NO. Actually P doesn't love you anymore - because you systematically KILLED the love. You know why? Because you said mean things. You can't say mean things and expect love to thrive. You kill it a little bit every time. You broke P's heart little by little by little.... and now you want to be seen, forgiven, redeemed. Too late. You're not worth the effort. Because there is no love left anyway.

At least that's what I hope P would think. Unfortunately, P feels bad. "Maybe I should have been more forgiving. Maybe I should have tried harder. Maybe I should have taken more crap. Maybe I should forsake my happiness in the futile attempt to find N's, maybe I should give up my whole damn life trying to make this feel like love...."

Please make it stop. Please don't jump back in.

What I'm trying to say here is this: WHY are people so hurtful? And HOW do they seem to FORGET how hurtful they were? SOME BELLS CAN NOT BE UNRUNG.

And why do the Pleasers of the world allow it? WHERE did they learn this? So called Toxic Parents? Well, then don't say mean things to your kids either. Because you have too much power... you, as the parent, have the power to say mean things and have them stick. Those things stick like oatmeal sticks to their ribs and they grow on it. And then they put up with it later and you get to loan them money through their divorces and wonder why they married such jerks... are you getting it? Be kind.

Be kind. Be gentle with your loved one's souls.

And if you can't get along with anyone. And you think everyone else is the problem... you might need some help. Because I can't imagine breaking all those hearts around you doesn't break yours a little too.

So You Wanna Do a Radio Show...

Almost 6 months ago - and I cannot believe it's been that long - I submitted an application to Good Morning America... myself and 15,000 other people. We all wanted to be the next Advice Guru on the show.  The job description sounded awesome - and it seemed like an incredible opportunity all the way around, whether one wanted to be a writer, an actress, or sell lots of books... totally worth a shot!

Wouldntchaknow?  I made the Top 20.

This was sort of an amazing experience. Immediately we were all writing and answering questions.  We were limited to 500 words, and they meant it.  We had to submit videos (my least favorite part) and we had to do all of it under very serious dead lines.  Fans of the show were really opinionated about us finalists, and I was even interviewed by a woman who was admittedly peeved that she didn't make it.  She did realize that she was in good company of 14,980 others, and she was very funny about the whole thing.
Anyhow, I enjoyed the process immensely.  Of course it was stressful, it was a competition!  But I really loved the work.... even with a paycheck of Zero.

The morning that they were going to announce the Top 10, I woke up knowing that I didn't make it.  I just knew.  I can't explain it, but I had absolutely no anticipation about watching the show... I just knew.  And to be honest, the Top 7 they announced, kinda surprised me... but what do I know?  The one that didn't surprise me was Liz Pryor - I had a feeling about her the first time I saw her, and she did end up getting the job.  I'm happy for her.  I liked her written answers the best and she's a divorced mom from the San Fernando Valley - I can get behind that. :)

What this whole process did was give me exactly what I had been asking for from the Universe/God/Divine Wisdom (whatever you like).... it gave me clarity.... about what I want to do with my life right now.

I really love giving advice.  I really love being a life coach.  And, even thought I don't want to be an MFT, I am really glad I got my degrees in Psychology.  Human behavior is my favorite subject.
Fer sure, fer sure.

I decided to do a radio show, Ask Sophie.  Presumably, people would call, well, me, a sort of Dr. Phil meets Chelsea Handler kind o' gal, and ask for life advice on any topic from money to sex to relationships to diapers.... right?

Well, I've done 8 shows now, and I have had exactly 3 calls... 4 if you include a wrong number... that was priceless.  However, I have had some great guests, answered plenty of questions that were emailed to me, and had a great time yapping on about men and women and sex and marriage with one of my best friends.

I am letting it evolve... figuring out what I like to talk about most...

and because it's not real unless you blog about it... I'll be doing that too.

So give me a call, dammit!

On Achieving Success in Life

Dear Sophie,

I've recently graduated from high school and my entire life is ahead of me. I'm not quite sure what I want to do in life. Can you tell me what you see as the key ingredients to success in life?

No fear, baby! That’s number one.

I love that you’re asking this question at such an important crossroads.  Success in life is often equated with career success, yet it’s so much more than that. It’s also about how much joy we experience along the way and the quality of our relationships too.

When people look back on their lives, they most often regret decisions that were made from a place of fear: fear of disappointing our parents, fear of failure, fear of rejection…fear of making a mistake.   So when you face decisions about major steps in your life, come from a place of faith… faith in yourself, your talents, your dreams, and in the power of following your passion.  When it comes to absolutely believing in the vision of your success, Michael Jordan says, “The worst that can happen is it doesn’t turn out the way you thought it would.”  So it’s up to you to create that vision of success.  How?

Follow your passion.  This is number two.  If you don’t know what your passion is, write a list of all the things you’re good at and all the things you find exciting. Ask people you trust to reflect back to you what they think are your gifts, and what they observe your passions to be.  College is a great place to find out where your passions lie and develop your talents.  Remember, if you’re doing something you don’t love, then every hurdle becomes a reason to quit instead of another useful lesson.  Do what you’re good at, do what you love doing, and you will be successful. You don’t have to know exactly where your passion is going to lead you. You just need to pursue it with excitement, dedication, and follow through. 

Speaking of ‘follow through’…. 

The best way to build and maintain self-esteem is to keep promises to your self.  Read that twice.

When it comes to friendships and love relationships, don’t choose them, or stay in them, based on fear of being alone or a need for approval.  Choose them based on the joy they bring you and the way they show their love.  Fill your life with people whom you respect; who love you for being you and support you in your dreams.  Always ask yourself, “Can I be me with this person?”

You are young, and probably feel immortal, but another key (#3) is taking care of your health.  Go easy on your liver and find some way to move your body every day.  People in their forties who start running, swimming, or doing yoga always say they wish they’d started younger. Exercise is going to keep the ‘happy chemicals’ going in your brain.  So, if you can prioritize taking care of your body while you pursue your dreams and relationships, you’re going to live life at such a high level of daily fulfillment that you will have every reason to leap out of bed in the morning.

I’m very excited for you!